Don't feel up to it..

I find that i'm very much a person who would do things according to feelings. a lot of examples...

:: don't feel like going out for lunch
:: don't feel like updating my blog though i've got quite a number of things to write about. but when i feel up to it to do so, i haven't have the time. erm..
:: don't feel like talking
:: don't feel like being friendly
:: don't feel like responding

well..of course these only happens once in a while especially when i'm emotionally down or when i got up from the wrong side of the bed.

sometimes i wonder are all these attributed to laziness or emotions. erm...doesn't really matter.

the Long Overdue Update

Realizing that i've left my blog untouched for a month, it's definitely time for me to clean up the cobwebs accumulated...hehe

:: a continuation from my previous 2 entries
a biG HUGE praise and thank God for paulie's blood test results. It shows that he's clean. I felt truly grateful and at the same time relieved. he too felt that way. he said he felt like he's been given a 2nd chance to live on. A BIG thank you for everyone's prayers and concern!!

:: BLC 2005 retreat**
this sub-entry was intended for 18th June

Spent the weekend in Peace Haven, Genting. It was a good church camp though a bit short. Great time of getting to know each other better especially when i only get to meet this group of people once a week and that also limited to catching up with a handful.

What i enjoyed most about this camp is the "opportunity" to stay in a dorm full of girls since i last did this was many years ago. Imagine what kind of mischieve we can get ourselves into when you put girls together hehe...nah nothing hazardous happened. Taking pictures at night in the cold was pretty fun too. Had heaps of laughter putting on weird poses.

Oh! the romanopoly game was really exciting too. I've never seen people going crazy over 1 cents. In this game, everyone had to dress in roman empire period attire. To play the game, we are all given 10 x 1 cent each. At the start of the game, we get into groups of 3 to toss our coin. Out of 3 coins tossed, the odd one wins. That's how we earn more cents. Periodically the enemy will capture civilians to be put in the prison. And people who ran out of money would automatically become slaves.

Civilians could save the prisoners and slaves by paying a price using whatever amount of money they have. From here, we could see people giving up their belonging for the sake of their love ones. There were some who didn't bother to do so because they'd rather keep the money. hehe those selfish dudes...

That night, instead ot retiring to bed early despite feeling tired, we played a game of pictionary. I felt ashamed for my drawing sucks! Nevertheless, we won the game..hehe close match. Loads and loads of laughter. LOL *remembering my own drawing*


rachel, grace, carmen, jo @ breakfast



isn't Mynn adorable?? She is!!



ini, mini, maini, mo!! which hand izzit??



everyone @ breakfast



powderful streetfighters!!



crazy bunch of people..



deng..deng..deng........deng..deng..deng....*haha*


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Uncertainty

**this entry was composed on 20th May 2005. This was written in a desperation to confide in someone.

Dear Lord,

How often in our lives we find ourselves in a state of helplessness. My mind is so clouded that I don't know what to do; don't know what to feel; It ache so much inside that nothing at the moment could ease that pain. All i want to do is just stare into thin air and hope that everything would just fade away once i regained my consciousness.

All of a sudden, all i hope for, all i thought that'd stay with me at least for the next 1/2 of my life seems to be blurry. Life is just so fragile, isn't it?

Lord, i pray for your comfort and peace. I know no matter how uncertain, how difficult, how impossible it seemed, you're still in control.

We are bound to feel helpless but never hopeless because our hope is in You.

Amen.

The long awaited day..

For the past couple of weeks, i kept wanting to blog some of my thoughts but fail to do so because i couldn't piece my thoughts together to form something focus. It was just too scattered, too random. I finally sat myself in front of the computer to write about this thing which was bothering me for the past 1 month. I was just too troubled to blog about anything else. All my thoughts were revolving around that matter.

Have you ever ask yourself how would you feel, if your lifespan is being shorten to only 3 years? Would you have regrets for anything? Would you choose to live the remaining days differently? Would you start spending more time with your love ones?

Why that question? You may ask.

In approximately 7 hours, we would know the result. The long awaited day has finally come. It was nerve-wrecking having to wait 1 month. I know he's anxious, worried and fearful. Nevertheless, we are going to face this together. We hope for the best but prepare for the worst.


"wey..What if IT IS?"

     "Life adversities are inevitable..."

That was the answer he gave.

It's always easy to accept something pleasant and beautiful. However, it doesn't always work that way in life. We have to learn to accept the total opposite too whether we like it or not.

I think life isn't about fairness or unfairness that is commonly discussed. Personally, it's simply about being happy, realizing our desires/dreams, be a blessing to make the world a better place to live in, living life to the fullest so that ultimately...memories are significantly our proudest moments instead of regrets.

I'll end this entry with a paragraph taken from the song "Heaven" by Live.

..I don't need no one to tell me about heaven

..I look at my daughter, and I believe.
..I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
..I can see the sunset and I perceive

A good walk

I had to walk from Menara Maybank to Masjid Jamek train station yesterday after a meeting. Prior to the meeting, i parked my car at Bangsar train station so i could avoid the jam in town area.

During the walk which was approximately 200m, i suddenly realized i haven't been taking these got-to-catch-the-public-transport walk in a long time. I supposed it's due to that, that i automatically took a better notice of everything that was happening along the way to the station. There are people waiting for bus; people walking like me; drivers staring out of their car window while waiting in line to move; motorcyclist swerving in and out perhaps to get to their destination asap; hawkers busy selling their food;

Some thoughts went thru my mind at that time. I wonder amidst all busyness in life, do people slow down their pace to ponder and reflect on all happenings in their lives? Well, i hope at least i will do that once in a while.

These days, i feel life is so fragile...therefore, i hope everyone including myself will appreciate every single experience that we're being put through, every single person that we come in contact with, everything that we're being blessed with.

Why NOT APPRECIATIVE?!

It's just awful when you hear about your friends having to go thru "down" times. It's worst if you feel that nothing you say will enter them, nothing you do could help them or rather nothing you could do at all...we could only lend a listening ear and be present to support them.

I hate to hear about guys letting go their current relationship with a nice, pleasant girl to try out with other girls whom they think would suit them more. It's even more frustrating when they let go on a relationship which has been built over several years. I know i shouldn't be judgemental towards these issues especially if i'm not in it myself. However, i think it's all bullshit when one party explains his rationale behind giving up when it's all merely showing that he has lost interest in what's current and shows interest in the kind of "spicyness" and "freshness" that he could get out of the new relationship.

Why are they NOT APPRECIATIVE of what they have but instead keep looking out for what's better when they don't even try to see that they themselves are not perfect??!!

I wanted to say this but i couldn't do it in front of my friend. So i'll do it here...it's just occupying web space. That guy's a bastard!!! for leaving my friend... pardon me my friend if you read this. but HE IS!! don't go wasting your time on such people...it's just not worth it!! I will slap him if he's in front of me!! hehe...no no don't worry...i'm not into violence.

I know i sound bias cuz' that's my friend i'm talking about. but i don't care!! i think people who don't know how to be appreciative are not worth wasting your time on.

Audition

I was approached by a friend of mine to audition for a role in a music video. 1st thought...why me? After getting a better understanding on what is required of me, i thought it'd be a good experience as i haven't done anything like this before.

The audition was carried out in an informal manner. I was pretty nervous at first. Not sure what they'll make me do. However i told myself, i'm just trying it out for the fun of it. That was what i told them in a short introduction of myself.

"Flirt with the plant"

That was what i had to do. It's part of the script. I could feel butterflies in my stomach. At that moment, i was tempted to pull out. but......i thought "com 'mon, don't be a chicken".

Before we began, they took 3 shots of me. Front potrait, 45 degrees to my left & right.

I asked the director for some ideas how to express that line. I went away to prepare for about 5 minutes. I came back and told them i was ready. As the video camera lady went "reeeaaddyy...camera rolll...." i felt shy, didn't really know what i was doing. For a brief few seconds...i said "ok...*haha* that's all".

mockstar & paulie was told to wait outside after that 1st run. Perhaps mien(director) & AnG(video camera person) thought i'd do better without their presence. Mien gave me some useful tips.

She told me to imagine myself trying to get to know this guy whom i love very much. Flirt with him unabashedly. However after several attempts, he's not impress, he's not interested at all. So i'd get nervous, aggitated, felt used cuz' i gave out my heart and he doesn't feel anything. Nervousness eventually leads to anger, frustration. With that in mind, i gave it another go. Mien said i showed improvement.

After the 2nd attempt, they did an acting exercise with me.

::Show that i'm really happy

::Show how i'd look when i knew someone broke my drum set.

::Show how discouraged & disappointed i'd be when i didn't get thru in a competition.

Done with the exercise. I gave it my 3rd try. This time, with the idea that i should be more vocal. Mien said i can talk, scream, walk or run around, stomp my foot, cry etc. I felt i did slightly better. At least my expressions shown were clearer for what it was meant for.

Phew...i thought that was it. But they said "Orite..last try now". A different approach. This time with Mien guiding me on the details.

Me: So i started off by sitting with my back against the wall, trying to get the guy to talk to me. I said something like "you wanna do something, sometime soon together?..err...sports, anything...err clubbing?

Mien: "ok stand up now and dance."

Me: I was like "shit!, why did i say clubbing???". I stood up and moved a bit shyly.

Mien: Ok, the guy's not impress. He's telling you to stop it.

Me: you don't like it? umm..it's ok. why not u teach me...i can..i can be good at it.

Mien: Nah..girl..don't expect me to waste time on you. now go away.

Me: I continued persuading him to give me a chance by convincing him that i could do just anything.

Mien: I don't wanna listen to you girl...he's walking away...what are you gonna do? Go on your knees.

Me: I thought WAT?? go on my knees...alright...i started begging him to stay. But he won't. Anger starting to well up. I tried expressing that out. I squated down and cried.

Mien: Hit the all.

Me: I hit the wall. Angry. Frustrated.

*Cut*

That was all spontaneous. Phew....acting is a tough job, i thought. Nevertheless, it was a great experience. Whether i win or not is not important. At least i got a taste of how it is like.

Something that led to being emotional

The day broke off with full of emotions...making me feel miserable.

The day continues on with more emotions welling up.

Thought of writing about last nite but don't feel ready to do so. Nothing disastrous but it makes me feel gloomy like how the sky appeared to be this morning. I'm grateful that whatever attributed to the argument was sorted out before the break of dawn. At least, doubts were cleared; misunderstandings were clarified; Guilt-ridden for words of hurt spoken. But it did not stop there. Guilt led to apology; it led to reconciliation.

Though i felt relieve after making peace, i could still feel a slight emotional pain within me. Perhaps i haven't fully recover which on a regular basis would have worn out by the next day.

It's ok. Nothing to worry. Just wanted to express out that emotion instead of letting it continue churning within me.